— Arthur Schopenhauer (via observando)
The Labor Day weekend was pretty occupied. My old roommate was visiting Texas, and I haven’t seen her in five years. We get to spend a very good whole day together. We pretty much hopped around DFW area. After picking her up from the airport, we drop by at my parents’ place since she wanted to see my dogs, and in the process we grabbed some little breakfast at home. Then we headed toward some old memory path. We visited our old apartment we used to live in, and it was sort of sanctuary for Gunn and me, lots of good memories are embedded there. Then we checked some development sites of the university where we wished we can just turned back the time and be 21 again.
Even though the lite breakfast we had earlier were still lingering in our tummies, we decided to head toward Thai House, and I have to let you in a small secret, it is one of the best Thai Food place around DFW or at least to my knowledge. The atmosphere is a bit casual during lunch time but the dinner dime out in a bit cozy and candle light manner but nothing too fancy that you can’t wear your torn up jeans pants over there.
After the Thai House, we visited the Fort Worth Water Garden, it wasn’t super hot compare to other summer Texas days weather. But, Gunn was boiling yet we did had some nice time, chitchatting and catching up about each other lives by the water fountains.
On our way from Fort Worth to Dallas, we stop by this coffee place for some drinks before we proceed toward local favorite pie place in Dallas. I haven’t tried that many pie but the best ones I had at this small little pie shop called “Emporium” in Dallas. I would highly recommend for chocolate lovers to try theirs “Smooth Operator” pie. Their pecan pies are okay or at least better than the one that you found in the grocery stores. The best pecan pie i ever had was homemade by my third cousin around last Thanksgiving. It was delicious, and I even asked her if I can have some ”to go” bag. :)
After our mini visits to the pie shop and a short touring around the Dallas art district area, we headed to a Vegan diner place to meet up with one of the Gunn’s old college buddy. Also, I knew him before through Gunn. It was a bit weird seeing him after 5 years later. He defiantly looks a bit older yet he attained wise look in his face. While, I was doing my undergrad, I had a little crush on him but I never proceed it because I felt like he was a bit younger than me and plus, he was Gunn’s friend. That evening we went to met him up for the dinner, I had the oddest feeling about him. I felt really intimidated by him because on our way to the diner, Gunn mentioned that when we were in college, he had a crush on me, and I didn’t know that till now. He is one of those few handpick nice guys left that most girls threats them like shits. Recently, his engagement was called off, I do not know the whole story nor it is any of my business. Usually, around guys I don’t lack confident but around this guy that evening, I totally did, and one moment I began to freak out because I didn’t know how to feel or what not to feel about it since I am already with someone else. By the end of the night, I was driving to Caleb’s place to remind myself that I have someone at home, waiting for me, and also, to get a better view off my random attraction toward this mutual friend of mine. After speaking to Caleb about this openly, he assured me that this feelings are normal, and that I am human, what matters is that as long as we don’t let these feelings get in our way in this relationships.
It was one of those few evenings that I had my doubts about my own feelings towards Caleb. But as the next day proceed, I realized that my feelings for Caleb never really stops or he was there to remind me about it that he is here for me now.
When the first time, the whole 50 shades of grey specular was going around. I really didn’t understood the whole deal since there are plenty of others erotic romance novels out there.
But then the movie trailer came out, and to be honest, they did a hell of a good job so far with the trailer. Few weeks back, one of my closed friend suggested that I should give the book a try to see if I whether I like it or not. Past weekend, I start reading the book. It has some minor laughable dialogues while others are plainly overused scenes like most other romance novels.
To me, the book was readable until Grey truly revealed his terms and conditions to Ana about him being Dominant.
Two things that made me stop reading further about this book.
A) The character Grey was a total control freak. For pushing Ana around from table manners to her damp hair, and Ana didn’t seemed to ”mind.”
B) The terms of the contract are so disgracing to womanhood. I am not indicating towards Submissive or Dominate role in the physical relationship. My main point comes back to point A. The contract has a outline of how “Submissive” suppose to be like or behave out in the public from outwears to types of diets which will be consented by “Dominant” first.
I will not be reading this book anymore further since i believe this is degrading the womanhood. But, I will definitely going to attempt to watch the movie when it comes out on theater. Mostly, because the guy is really hot ;)
I haven’t wrote in awhile. Probably, because I really needed to do some soul searching. Like serious sh*ts, not some teen bullshit “who am I” or “what am I suppose to do with my.” craps.
Part of being on my late 20’s and getting close to 30 or at least in my experience. I began to figure out, I was wrong or more like I was so wrong being ”righteous.” As I get older, I began to see more grey areas. The idealist views that I expected from other people began to reflect my own faults that I have it within me.
Past weekend, it was my mom’s birthday. My bro and in sis law couldn’t make to visit us that weekend. So, it was just me, my mom, and Caleb decided to celebrate her birthday. We went to see a movie that she really wanted to watch and hanged in the highlands area and afterward, we grab some lunch. Overall, it was nice except that right before the movie about to start, I blew it because Caleb was running late and since he didn’t had his phone with him, I wasn’t sure if he will able to make it or not. I waited for five minutes after the movie start, and decided to return the ticket, thinking he will not able to make it. But after few mins later, i saw him running through the door, and he end up purchasing the ticket. Anyway, around lunch, he looked very upset and the fact I returned the ticket and didn’t even give the benefit of the doubts that he will make it. Later that evening, my mom confronted me about this and told me that i was really mean to him by doing this and I really need to learn to be more patience with people and be more understanding about their situation.
Lately, I have been catching up the so called famous “House” TV sitcom. I heard about it a lot from people in past and I did watched some episodes here and there. But lately, I have been trying to catching on all the previous seasons and episodes I had missed, starting from season 1. I gotta admit, the show has some true essence to it. I am not just talking about some dramatic cases that Dr. House deals with it. The more interesting part of this show is Dr. House himself. One of the episode, I was watching last night was about this 9 years old girl who has terminal cancer yet her character was so alive and she wanted to live every moments before she has to say farewell to this life. As usual, Dr. House has his own medical opinions about her bravery personality and that he tried to connect that it probably due to some sort of medical condition. At the end, when Dr. House truly discovered that the 9 years old girls have been living a lot more that Dr. House actually lived his life.
It got me into thinking, I have taken my life in so much granted. I hardly been content long enough to keep it in my life. As soon as I lose interest on something, I just discard them or treat it like some hold furniture that dust mites has been calling home for itself. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I have given plenty of opportunity and chances in my life, and I was the one who chose either to blew it off or just took it for granted.
Do I have regrets? Yes, I do. If i have the chance start over. I would. At least, I would have tired to start over my undergraduate because I did made some bad choices that it still hunts me today.
It has been common for me to bit*h about the things I don’t have yet I have a lot more than most people have in this planet.
My life is miserable because of my work. I do not like working in customer service. its not like I don’t like helping people, I really do. But when work becomes routine, I just stop feeling things. Its the same questions over and over again from the students. I have no way to improve my skills. 10 years ago, I would have never imagined I would be in this position today. By now, I thought I would have been done with my master and have a decent paid job and got married. I feel consistently alone. The only thing, I actually find someone peace with Caleb. He has been really sweet and caring. Now days, I feel like I can escape everything and just be around him. I have been avoiding my parents, friends, and family members for sometime because I have nothing to show or tell. Its like everyone is moving on with their life, some way or another. But, I am stuck where I was last 2 years of my life. I feel like the only way, I can see light in my life is to leave this job. However, I can’t because I have car payment. Right now, I am looking for temp to hire work to gain some experience.
You know, you have one of those feelings when you are not fully wake nor you are sleep. You feel like an automatic human robot. How you feel do no matter to the world. Mostly because due to lack off sleep. I need my 7.5 hours of sleep and when I don’t get it, I just feel numb next day. Deep down I detest early morning job. After the first day of my work, I found out that my work actually starts around 8 am in the morning.
At the beginning, I like the fact that my work included some hours helping students up at the front and rest of the hours back in my office grading exams and generating reports. But i completely detest my job because this is the second time I have been placed to work at the front desk for full time till we find someone else to replace it. Last time, it took 2 months to hire someone, and additional a month to train her. Less than 3 months later, she quit because due to stress she end up having some medical issue. This time, my supervisor asked me if I am okay to work at the front time full time until that position has been filled. Off course, I had to say “yes, I am fine with that.” Honestly, I was okay with it at the beginning but after the first week, I am completely drained out because my back office work increased, and most of them are pending.
I pimped myself in with some macchiato which seems to work most of the days but today it just dreadfully failing me.
Sometimes, I wonder about going back and waiting table. It was a hard work but not like stressful like my current job. I enjoyed the feelings of being ”rewarded” after I provided with services. It was cash up front and I wasn’t high taxes since one work on tips. At the end of the day, you get to take food at home. But when you look at the long run, this is a short term job, I don’t think I have come across anyone who waited table as a career or at least in busy restaurant.
Everyone has a breaking point. I had it enough.
All these time, Caleb kept asking me “if I am sure about him?”
Is he really playing me or he is that obnoxious?
All these major fight we had last couple of months or so because I wanted to be with him, and that’s why I have been fighting for us.
Last couple of weeks, whenever I try to contact him, he will response only if he feels like it. That’s a way to treat someone that you love and care.
I was ready to move on with my life and ready to pack my stuff get the hell out of his life. He panic and start freaking out about not seeing me again ever. That moment, I didn’t had the heart to break his heart, desperate the fact he has been breaking mine bcuz I love him too much and wanted to spend rest of my life with him.
Over this weekend, the Facebook popped up with so many updates of friends and couples getting engaged or married. When I mentioned to this to my sis in law, she felt very bad for me. Bcuz she knows my heart has been broken for awhile about this.
My mom has been a huge supportive of me. I was really surprised. She didn’t even push me to find someone else or talk to Caleb about this anymore. Bcuz she saw me what I have been through last couple of weeks. All she wants me to concentrate on myself and my career. She wanted my happiness, and she knew that I loved Caleb a lot, and that’s she was concerned about me most of the time. Bro was right about one thing that Caleb got too comfortable with this relationship that he is scared of changes, and it’s not me, it’s him. When you can get the milk for free, why bother to buy the cow?
He tried to contact me today, to drop off some dog food. Honestly, I just don’t feel like dealing with him anymore. I am tired of games. I am tired of rejection. And I am ready to move to a different city once I get a new job at different city.
— Xiaolu Guo (via observando)
Lately, I have been loosing patient with everything. From relationship to dealing with rude people.
I don’t have anything left to give to anyone. I always went out of my reach to help someone, to care for someone but now I am tired and worn out.
I need to let him go. You can’t just force relationship nor love on someone. So many endless time, whenever we had fight. I thought about leaving him in the heat of moment because I was just so worn out. But at the end of the day, I know I couldn’t.
But now, no more trying or attempting to get him back because it is his turn whether he wants to be with me or not. it is his turn to figure out whether he wants to spend rest of his life with me or not. I have done my share of thinking and figure out while back what I wanted out of this relationship.
Let the bird go, if he was truly yours, he will come back to you. If not, it wasn’t yours in the first place.
I am not ready to date someone else yet. But, I really need to stop staring at the fb chat box to see if by any chance whether he is online or not.
And just move on.
To me, it wasn’t about locking the relationship with marriage. It is about “I love you, and I want to spend every morning waking up, lying next to you.”
The hurts comes when the feelings are not reciprocated.
Few weeks back. Caleb took me to this local restaurant. I wasn’t really up for burger and fries because around that week, I have been having it daily. He took me there because he had been there before and he thought something i would enjoy.
When I looked at the menu. I couldn’t eat most of them because it has pork on it, and top of them most of them are burgers or sandwiches. I found something that didn’t had pork, and ordered it because I didn’t wanted to appear rude to him nor to the owner who was wondering around right next to our table.
After we received the food, I made the food to go, just by eating the fries only. Caleb got upset because I embarrassed him by not eating the sandwich at all but making it to go.
To be honest with you, I wasn’t really upset about the place he me took out to eat. I was upset about something else, and i wish i could have told him, i couldn’t because i felt really awkward about it, and if i did, he probably would had taken it wrong away.
On the way to restaurant. A conversation came up and that he has some saving and he doesn’t know what to do about it. Upon his friend suggestion, he is thinking about investing on stock or something like that. During the conversation, the vibe I got from him and the way he was talking about saving like he doesn’t any other future plan for us together. Off course, it is his money and he can do whatever he wants but it is the thought that matters.
Both of my life policy beneficiaries are him and my parents. In case, something happens to me, they should be taken care off because they are my family. I remember about few months back, Caleb wanted me to place me as his beneficiary for some life policy through his work. He got lazy and he didn’t do it because it needs to be notarize. Honestly, when he was asking me about my information to add me for the beneficiary. I felt like i meant something to him and he sees us having a future together someday.
My dad set up a small trust fund for myself in case if i ever needed. I always thought that i would use some amount of money from there to invest on the wedding or with someone I see future with, and I always thought about Caleb. But that day when we had the conversation about his saving and etc. Something inside felt rotten. and I couldn’t dare to say anything to him because he has not given that place in his life to do so.
The other day, I was watching “the big bang theory” season finale. Sheldon seems upset after Leonard told him that there will be different living arrangement soon since he and Penny are engaged. Sheldon who seems to have an autistic personality. Did not understand why the couple needs to move-in together. Leonard replied to him in simply words “because I love Penny, and I want her to have the happiness that she deserves.”