It has been so long since last time I wrote in this blog. Past nine months few by so quickly that I didn’t even realized what I have been through. I am not asking for sympathy but empathy at least to some women out there might be able to understand or went through similar situation. Yes, I am still with caleb but not sure how long it will last especially after being so much shits it is hard to forgive one completely that easily. It is is not easy to forgive someone when you need that person the most and he is not no way around to be.
Earlier, this year I moved out of my parents to live in Richardson for my school and I end up getting a part job that actually correlated with my class schedule. Things seem to take direction in my life that point, and I was content about it except on and off going my relationship caleb kept putting me in upsetting mood. I do agree when it comes to my heart and mind, my heart always seem to win over my mind, no wonder I end up being my worst enemy. Anyway, when I moved to richardson, caleb and I were in ”off” period again. As usually, he was no where around to offer to me help me out move to another city nor he was anywhere to be found because he seem to be too occupied with his own enclosed life. I don’t know what had happened a week before valentine, he came back nice out of the blue. Hell he made a love to me like that he never done that before until valentine night. Something was changed about his mood, and I can’t quiet figure how it had happened or maybe I became more tolerance of un-affection of his love. Anyway, next thing I know I can’t help it but making the relationship ”official” on facebook. Two weeks before, and a week after he moved out of his parents, he mentioned to me that he wouldnt mind to make it official us on facebook but I wasn’t sure about it. However, really shit began to take place around early mid April: I found out that I am running 4 weeks pregnant, i doubt within a week of being pregnant bc out of no where I threw up during my work, and after couple of days later my boobs were sour, and I kept getting this weird cramps on my tummy. I gave a head up warning to caleb about this but so far his attitude towards was this neutral. Okay, I do admitted part of is my f-up. Earlier mid March, what had happened my parents went out of country for a month and they stop all the incoming mailing so basically my birth control pill package that I ordered online was stuck in the arlington post office, and here me out I live in richardson that time. Generally, within a week of your period, if you take the pill you should be good. I didn’t tell caleb yet that I havent had the chance to get the pills from the post office. Next thing I know things lead to one another, and I figure that I don’t ovulate till next week when I calculate general ovulation calender. Around middle of the sex, I just start crying I don’t know, I guess i was just upset that I am really missing my parents since they have been out of town for awhile, and top of that i told caleb that I am not in pill currently but then again I shouldnt be ovulating till next week. At first he was a bit upset but next thing I know he continue to do his deed on me.
When we found out that we are pregnant, I start crying not because I was pregnant but because i have to get abort it. Honestly, deep down I thought Caleb would stand up next to me when I needed him the most, and I really imagine him being a family type of guy. But I was so wrong, after he came back from work that day, I told him that the stick came out positive, he didn’t realize till he saw the double lines on the stick in the bathroom trash can. Next thing I know, he start yelling at me, blaming me that it was my f-up, and I better take care of it and etc. I do admitted when it came to calculating my ovulation, I messed up. I found out later that not every woman ovulate on the 13 day after the menstrual began. But, I didn’t lie to caleb, I confessed to him middle of the sex way before he will come to climax about my pills situation. He didn’t care to seem much that moment either even afterward when I kept getting worried being pregnant. Anyway, after a couple of days later after we found out, I tried to talk to him about this. For some reason, I don’t why when I found out that I am pregnant, thing just changed for me automatically, I want to kept it, even that means dropping out of Master for temporary, I don’t mind. Its like another part of me growing inside, it is one of the most beautiful and amazing feeling I ever felt. Words just can’t describe something precious growing inside you, it just a miracle. Around that weekend when I tried to spoke to him about this, he directly told me that ”we” are not ready for this based on our unstable relationship, and also at the same time if “we” were to keep this we have to get married and “we” are not ready for it. Those sentence just pinched me through my heart, I really felt sick to my stomach when I was reading this text message from him, he was the last person I expect to be like this because since I have known Caleb, he always wanted a family of his own; a wife, and kids. For some reason, the words that came out of him that day, it really hurt me. I was willingly go against the whole society and people, if only he was willingly to step in and hold my hand when I needed him the most. But as usually he was no where, I couldn’t have the raised the baby on my own, not because I doubt myself being a mother but financially I was just plainly broke, and most important I kept thinking about my parents because recently I found out that my dad can’t get any kind of stress, the doctor told him straight forward that it will kill him. He has high cholesterol issue and he has really high chance of heart attack. I don’t have the details but I know it is pretty bad since he tend to get chest pain from time to time. Top of that, few weeks back, our family doctor told my mom to see some heart specialist apparently her EKG report came really bad. Dr didnt say what is it and the sad part we still dont know yet since mom hasnt able to get a major examination yet since it will cost almost 1800 including have a good insurance, and my parents doesnt have that kind of money either. Anyway, I kept thinking about my parents and my baby. I just didn’t know what to do, I can’t be unmarried mom in my culture, my parents probably would have died of heart attack due to shame they would have gotten from the society. Deep down i just wished that I had enough money to move to different state or country so I would have able to raise my kid, and my parents wouldnt had to go through all this. It was my f-up, and my parents shouldnt be punish for, even that means aborting, and live with that for the rest of my life. I still waited for caleb to change his mind, he distance himself after he found out that i was pregnant. I tried to keep to talk about this several times, he doesn’t wanted to talk about, he just wanted to pretend it doesnt exist for whatever its going inside me. Two weeks later, I went to planned parenthood, they did ultra-sound, and I actually saw the heart beats of it, it was so small like a pea shape. I wanted to get copy of this and show it to caleb but by the time I asked them for a copy of it, the planned parenthood didn’t provide with one when I asked for it. During ultra sound, one of my friend came with me, Andie since Caleb had a job, and he really didn’t wanted to be there so I couldn’t push him for it. After the ultra-sound, I tired to talk to caleb again about this, but its like he kept shutting me down not willingly to listen what i have seen that day on the monitor. I gave us almost a month to see if situation will change or most important he will change his mind. Then finally, i decided that I am going to go through with the abortion because as each day went by, I began to realize how lonely I am in this world, I had no body standing next to me. I got sick, threw up so many times, I was dead tired , after work I would just pass out, and too tired to study, not just physically, emotionally it was just draining because I was upset most of the time, I felt betrayal by Caleb. Sometimes, I didn’t had enough money to buy food I would crave for, I end up borrowing some food from my roommates or just eat cereal and milks to get by since during pregnany for some reason the smell of roman noodles or any kind of processed food make me nauseated. All I wanted to eat is smoothies, fruits, and anything cold. No offense, its ridiculous how much the vendors charge for smoothies in this country. rolling eyes*. I would walk by grocery stores sometimes, just cant afford shit, and I end up missing my mom a lot because during pregnancy, you want to get nurture and to be taken care off, you are emotional and physically vulnerable. if I was only married and then the pregnancy would have been treated and pampered well by the society I came from , it just sad that one has to be married in order to be honor as a mother, I notice how much my nephew get spoiled by my parents, and if i decide to give birth to my kid being single parent, my kid could not receive that kind of affection nor love just because his dad decided not to take his responsibility I cant even switch to full time work because I had morning classes every day at UTD, and it was middle of the term. I was just confused, I didn’t know what to do and each day went by, things kept getting harder, and most important I just felt lonely because my parents were out of country, caleb was no where around, and I was just sick most of the time. A week before the abortion date, I have decide to go through with it, and made up my mind firmly. Next thing I know couple of days before the abortion I got a text from caleb saying that its my decision whether I want to kept it or not, he will support me either way. Are you shitting me few days before the abortion when I finally made up my mind, now you are trying to show me your ”mature” side. A night before the abortion, he was finally was ready to talk, he stayed at my place that night. I tried to express him about the ultra-sound, he wont even look at me. He told me straight forward that in a way he is glad that I am not keeping it since financially he feels relieved and all that. Hell, he was feeling obligated to help me out for the abortion cost, it wasn’t bc he was being cheap apparently when he came to doing the dirty deed, he didn’t want his hand to be covered in blood. But its okay for him that I pay for the abortion, and I will be completely held responsible for it. Can you be anymore coward? I decided that after I get the abortion, I don’t want to do anything to do with him anymore, I can’t with a boy who is not ready to take any kind of responsibility You don’t expect pple to born with that sense of maturity but you at least you try to learn it from it, and he wasnt willingly learn for this. During abortion day, he had to come with with me since I will not be allow to drive since they will drug me, he drove me back to his place because I really didnt wanted to be around people, I just wanted to be alone. Surprisingly, after the abortion, he took care of me well, I don’t know probably out of guilt or something like that. I dont what had happened to me, its like after this I went through a denial state, tried to get back to normal routine of my life, I didn’t even took a day off from work. I just pretended everything was normal; caleb, work, and my school. For weeks, i continue to bleed randomly, and it kept reminding me what had happened yet I didnt cry nor shed tears after the abortion. Then one evening, caleb and I had some argument about something silly, to avoid that I end up watching this tv show on Hulu, Modern Family, and was having some wine and next thing I know, I saw a little girl on that video, and I continue to drink more wine, its like I just wanted to forget what had happened, i end up getting drunk, and just starting crying, and I just wanted to get away from caleb that moment bc he kept reminding me of my lost kid everytime i saw him after the abortion. Apparently, in drunk state I run around his apt complex trying to get away from him. Later, when I lock myself in his bedroom, I was able to let all out, I was about to mourn freely, not pretend that everything is okay when it is actually not. Caleb yelled at me again that night after I sober up a that I didn’t have the right to put him through all this drunk drama over a silly fight. Later I told him that I wasnt crying bc of our fight, I was because for what I have lost. When I start explaining to him that it hasnt been easy seeing tissue and bloods comes out of you after the abortion to remind you each day what you have done. He understood, out of no where he start crying, I never see him cried like this before, he admitted that he should have step in, he shouldnt have let his parents concern to him since he is catholic. He admitted that during work he sometimes he would think about how his kid would have look like or he would count how many months, I would have been pregnant by now. The weird part is that when he was crying, I didn’t felt sorry for him, deep down I actually felt content because I just wanted to hurt him so badly after what he had done to me. So many times I rehearsed myself breaking off with him but I just couldn’t go through with it because I used to break off with him over silly fights last year, and once I made it official this year, I promised myself that I am not going to be some dumb bitch, and handle the situation maturely because I do love him a lot, and its a commitment that I intend to keep it. It end up costing me a great deal, my school, and my kid. I end up dropping off from UTD because I failed one of the courses because my mind wasnt in my studies and i was just depressed about the whole thing, If I want I could go back to UTD, but right now I just wanted a break from everything, from school and people. I left richardson and moved back to my parents about a month ago because I just had enough with that city, and my room over there which had some bad memories. Over the summer, Caleb and I tried to work over our unstable relationship. Oddly, he improved a lot yet deep down I remain really sensitive due to insecurity I have about this relationship since I just can’t seem to trust him fully after so many times of him being not there for me especially when I needed him the most.
