Last couple of days, I have been questioning about my status in society. I am seeing two things either people are progressing towards personal relationships with others and/or moving forward with their careers. Honestly, it is nothing to do with competition or what people will think of you. it is the progression one must go through in their life time. I feel like past two years, my clock’s hands has been stuck at the same position where it is struggling to move forward but due to low battery power, it just can’t go any further more than few inches back and forth. I really held back in my career.
First it was due to master program but when that didn’t work out due to financial issue. Then, I tried to place that effort building a relationship with someone which really doesn’t seems to be going anywhere much. Don’t get me wrong, i am not saying my relationship with Caleb didn’t improved. it did tremendously within last three years. We both change to some extend, and discovering each others in small ways. But what get me the most is the big changes I am missing in my life right now. At least these are big to me. Honestly, when I first got involved with Caleb, I thought it was just a physical thing, as time progress. I began to fell in love with him. He is not really all that. But I created this bond with him over the years that is just hard to break, and even I want to I don’t think I ever can. I wanted a home from him and family. But now days, I completely feel indifference towards that. First of all, raising kids are so expensive that now I end up having 2 dogs because I found them a lot cheaper and they are easier to be nurture or at least based on my current situation. I really wanted a home from him but he is nowhere ready to give that to me. He has been stuck in same plot last 5 years of his life due to conflict feelings he has been having from his career to his relationships.
Honestly, I don’t even know where to began with. All, I know that last 2 years I have been seating next to him and waiting for him to do something about it. Last week, it hit me. When I tried to get hold of him, and I just couldn’t because he just decided to lock himself out of society and work. I felt like I was seating outside of his door, and waiting for him to open it and let me in. It felt alone and cold. I have my limits, and I am just a human being. I began to give up on my long-term desires because it doesn’t feel like it will ever happen. I have been looking for a decent paid job that will support my own cost of living. I began to get tired of living at my parents. How long i will be burden on them. I manage my own personal expenses and etc. But the burden they have now that I am getting old, and I am still unmarried and etc. I really don’t want them to go through worries like this. I just want to find a place where I will able to create my own home with my pets, and honestly, I don’t think I am going to need Caleb for this. Not because I don’t want to but because he is not ready and he is not strong enough emotionally to built that home with me. It is not because he is not capable to do that but because he just decide to seat at the one plots last 5 years of his life because he is not a go-getter and because of that he is depressed about it most of the time.