50 shades for nothing…..

When the first time, the whole 50 shades of grey specular was going around. I really didn’t understood the whole deal since there are plenty of others erotic romance novels out there.

But then the movie trailer came out, and to be honest, they did a hell of a good job so far with the trailer. Few weeks back, one of my closed friend suggested that I should give the book a try to see if I whether I like it or not. Past weekend, I start reading the book. It has some minor laughable dialogues while others are plainly overused scenes like most other romance novels.

To me, the book was readable until Grey truly revealed his terms and conditions to Ana about him being Dominant.

Two things that made me stop reading further about this book.

A) The character Grey was a total control freak. For pushing Ana around  from table manners to her damp hair, and Ana didn’t seemed to ”mind.”

B) The terms of the contract are so disgracing to womanhood. I am not indicating towards Submissive or Dominate role in the physical relationship. My main point comes back to point A. The contract has a outline of how “Submissive” suppose to be like or behave out in the public from outwears to types of diets which will be consented by “Dominant” first.

 I will not be reading this book anymore further since i believe this is degrading the womanhood. But, I will definitely going to attempt to watch the movie when it comes out on theater. Mostly, because the guy is really hot ;)

The Dr. House is in.

I haven’t wrote in awhile. Probably, because I really needed to do some soul searching. Like serious sh*ts, not some teen bullshit “who am I” or “what am I suppose to do with my.” craps.

Part of being on my late 20’s and getting close to 30 or at least in my experience. I began to figure out, I was wrong or more like I was so wrong being ”righteous.” As I get older, I began to see more grey areas. The idealist views that I expected from other people began to reflect my own faults that I have it within me.

Past weekend, it was my mom’s birthday. My bro and in sis law couldn’t make to visit us that weekend. So, it was just me, my mom, and Caleb decided to celebrate her birthday. We went to see a movie that she really wanted to watch and hanged in the highlands area and afterward, we grab some lunch. Overall, it was nice except that right before the movie about to start, I blew it because Caleb was running late and since he didn’t had his phone with him, I wasn’t sure if he will able to make it or not. I waited for five minutes after the movie start, and decided to return the ticket, thinking he will not able to make it. But after few mins later, i saw him running through the door, and he end up purchasing the ticket. Anyway, around lunch, he looked very upset and the fact I returned the ticket and didn’t even give the benefit of the doubts that he will make it. Later that evening, my mom confronted me about this and told me that i was really mean to him by doing this and I really need to learn to be more patience with people and be more understanding about their situation. 

Lately, I have been catching up the so called famous “House” TV sitcom. I heard about it a lot from people in past and I did watched some episodes here and there. But lately, I have been trying to catching on all the previous seasons and episodes I had missed, starting from season 1. I gotta admit, the show has some true essence to it. I am not just talking about some dramatic cases that Dr. House deals with it. The more interesting part of this show is Dr. House himself. One of the episode, I was watching last night was about this 9 years old girl who has terminal cancer yet her character was so alive and she wanted to live every moments before she has to say farewell to this life. As usual, Dr. House has his own medical opinions about her bravery personality and that he tried to connect that it probably due to some sort of medical condition. At the end, when Dr. House truly discovered that the 9 years old girls have been living a lot more that Dr. House actually lived his life.

It got me into thinking, I have taken my life in so much granted. I hardly been content long enough to keep it in my life. As soon as I lose interest on something, I just discard them or treat it like some hold furniture that dust mites has been calling home for itself. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I have given plenty of opportunity and chances in my life, and I was the one who chose  either to blew it off or just took it for granted.

Do I have regrets? Yes, I do. If i have the chance start over. I would. At least, I would have tired to start over my undergraduate because I did made some bad choices that it still hunts me today.

It has been common for me to bit*h about the things I don’t have yet I have a lot more than most people have in this planet.

totally lost

My life is miserable because of my work. I do not like working in customer service. its not like I don’t like helping people, I really do. But when work becomes routine, I just stop feeling things. Its the same questions over and over again from the students. I have no way to improve my skills. 10 years ago, I would have never imagined I would be in this position today. By now, I thought I would have been done with my master and have a decent paid job and got married. I feel consistently alone. The only thing, I actually find someone peace with Caleb. He has been really sweet and caring. Now days, I feel like I can escape everything and just be around him. I have been avoiding my parents, friends, and family members for sometime because I have nothing to show or tell. Its like everyone is moving on with their life, some way or another. But, I am stuck where I was last 2 years of my life. I feel like the only way, I can see light in my life is to leave this job. However, I can’t because I have car payment. Right now, I am looking for temp to hire work to gain some experience.

dreath……

You know, you have one of those feelings when you are not fully wake nor you are sleep. You feel like an automatic human robot. How you feel do no matter to the world. Mostly because due to lack off sleep. I need my 7.5 hours of sleep and when I don’t get it, I just feel numb next day. Deep down I detest early morning job. After the first day of my work, I found out that my work actually starts around 8 am in the morning.

At the beginning, I like the fact that my work included some hours helping students up at the front and rest of the hours back in my office grading exams and generating reports. But i completely detest my job because this is the second time I have been placed to work at the front desk for full time till we find someone else to replace it. Last time, it took 2 months to hire someone, and additional a month to train her. Less than 3 months later, she quit because due to stress she end up having some medical issue. This time, my supervisor asked me if I am okay to work at the front time full time until that position has been filled. Off course, I had to say “yes, I am fine with that.” Honestly, I was okay with it at the beginning but after the first week, I am completely drained out because my back office work increased, and most of them are pending.

I pimped myself in with some macchiato which seems to work most of the days but today it just dreadfully failing me.

Sometimes, I wonder about going back and waiting table. It was a hard work but not like stressful like my current job. I enjoyed the feelings of being ”rewarded” after I provided with services. It was cash up front and I wasn’t high taxes since one work on tips. At the end of the day, you get to take food at home. But when you look at the long run, this is a short term job, I don’t think I have come across anyone who waited table as a career or at least in  busy restaurant.

I just had it enough……..

Everyone has a breaking point. I had it enough.

All these time, Caleb kept asking me “if I am sure about him?”

Is he really playing me or he is that obnoxious?

All these major fight we had last couple of months or so because I wanted to be with him, and that’s why I have been fighting for us.

Last couple of weeks, whenever I try to contact him, he will response only if he feels like it. That’s a way to treat someone that you love and care.

I was ready to move on with my life and ready to pack my stuff get the hell out of his life. He panic and start freaking out about not seeing me again ever. That moment, I didn’t had the heart to break his heart, desperate the fact he has been breaking mine bcuz I love him too much and wanted to spend rest of my life with him.

Over this weekend, the Facebook popped up with so many updates of friends and couples getting engaged or married. When I mentioned to this to my sis in law, she felt very bad for me. Bcuz she knows my heart has been broken for awhile about this.

My mom has been a huge supportive of me. I was really surprised. She didn’t even push me to find someone else or talk to Caleb about this anymore. Bcuz she saw me what I have been through last couple of weeks. All she wants me to concentrate on myself and my career. She wanted my happiness, and she knew that I loved Caleb a lot, and that’s she was concerned about me most of the time. Bro was right about one thing that Caleb got too comfortable with this relationship that he is scared of changes, and it’s not me, it’s him. When you can get the milk for free, why bother to buy the cow?

He tried to contact me today, to drop off some dog food. Honestly, I just don’t feel like dealing with him anymore. I am tired of games. I am tired of rejection. And I am ready to move to a different city once I get a new job at different city.

"It’s important to be comfortable with uncertainty."

— Xiaolu Guo (via observando)

loosing patient…..

Lately, I have been loosing patient with everything. From relationship to dealing with rude people.

I don’t have anything left to give to anyone. I always went out of my reach to help someone, to care for someone but now I am tired and worn out.

I need to let go.

I need to let him go. You can’t just force relationship nor love on someone. So many endless time, whenever we had fight. I thought about leaving him in the heat of moment because I was just so worn out. But at the end of the day, I know I couldn’t.

But now, no more trying or attempting to get him back because it is his turn whether he wants to be with me or not. it is his turn to figure out whether he wants to spend rest of his life with me or not. I have done my share of thinking and figure out while back what I wanted out of this relationship.

Let the bird go, if he was truly yours, he will come back to you. If not, it wasn’t yours in the first place.

I am not ready to date someone else yet. But, I really need to stop staring at the fb chat box to see if by any chance whether he is online or not.

And just move on.

not locking it.

To me, it wasn’t about locking the relationship with marriage. It is about “I love you, and I want to spend every morning waking up, lying next to you.”

The hurts comes when the feelings are not reciprocated.

i wish i could have told him……

Few weeks back. Caleb took me to this local restaurant. I wasn’t really up for burger and fries because around that week, I have been having it daily. He took me there because he had been there before and he thought something i would enjoy.

When I looked at the menu. I couldn’t eat most of them because it has pork on it, and top of them most of them are burgers or sandwiches. I found something that didn’t had pork, and ordered it because I didn’t wanted to appear rude to him nor to the owner who was wondering around right next to our table.

After we received the food, I made the food to go, just by eating the fries only. Caleb got upset because I embarrassed him by not eating the sandwich at all but making it to go.

To be honest with you, I wasn’t really upset about the place he me took out to eat. I was upset about something else, and i wish i could have told him, i couldn’t because i felt really awkward about it, and if i did, he probably would had taken it wrong away.

On the way to restaurant. A conversation came up and that he has some saving and he doesn’t know what to do about it. Upon his friend suggestion, he is thinking about investing on stock or something like that. During the conversation, the vibe I got from him and the way he was talking about saving like he doesn’t any other future plan for us together. Off course, it is his money and he can do whatever he wants but it is the thought that matters. 

Both of my life policy beneficiaries are him and my parents. In case, something happens to me, they should be taken care off because they are my family. I remember about few months back, Caleb wanted me to place me as his beneficiary for some life policy through his work. He got lazy and he didn’t do it because it needs to be notarize. Honestly, when he was asking me about my information to add me for the beneficiary. I felt like i meant something to him and he sees us having a future together someday.

My dad set up a small trust fund for myself in case if i ever needed. I always thought that i would use some amount of money from there to invest on the wedding or with someone I see future with, and I always thought about Caleb. But that day when we had the conversation about his saving and etc. Something inside felt rotten. and I couldn’t dare to say anything to him because he has not given that place in his life to do so.

The Big Bang Love.

The other day, I was watching “the big bang theory” season finale. Sheldon seems upset after Leonard told him that there will be different living arrangement soon since he and Penny are engaged. Sheldon who seems to have an autistic personality. Did not understand why the couple needs to move-in together. Leonard replied to him in simply words “because I love Penny, and I want her to have the happiness that she deserves.”

venting….

I know I have been endless talking about my relationship issue in this blog. I need a place to let it all out so I can move on and this is my space to do so.

once my friend told me…..

Once my friend told me that you need a guy who will over look your flaws and turn you into a perfectionist. Meaning that he is willingly to love you so much that your imperfectness will not matter to him….I guess, Caleb never felt that way about me.

When nights comes, loneliness creeps me out. It just weird every time I have been single, randomly guys start talking to me even though they really don’t know I am single. Last two days, I have been talking to two of my guy friends just to keep  my mind occupied. I swear, if Manoj was in town, probably I would have end up doing something stupid to get over Caleb.

break up is hard.

That night when Caleb left the parking lot after we had a discussion about him wanting to go on break. I knew it he is breaking up with me. He sounded relieved when I asked him if he wants a break from this relationship. He didn’t even blink his eyes for a second and said “Yes!”

He was frustrated how easily I can be hurt and that he feels like I am not really happy with him.

He never understood or he was being ignorant about it. Majority of my fight we had past year because I wanted a commitment from him which he wasn’t ready to give me that.

Every time, I asked about it either he will ignore the topic or try to make up excuses.

I was frustrated most of the time bcuz I gave so much of my time and energy on him that at the end of the day I still left with zero commitments from him.

He has been there for me for lots of little things which I never will deny. From my car issues to my pets issues. Heck putting up with my crazy family from time to time. That’s why I got greedy, I wanted more of him. I wanted to spend every day waking up next to him.

At end of the day, what hurt me the most is that he is not ready to choose me over society. He is still stuck in my past history. He can’t get over the fact that when I was in college I was the underlined laughing stock in my so called “friend cycle.”
He is well aware that those people whom I called friends once weren’t really my friends but bunch of douche bags filled with egos issues and high level of testosterone.


I am not saying these are bad people but these people once I admired them and consider them my so called friends.
Caleb hasn’t really talk to them last 2 or 3 years so but he still have not able to remove the picture of my past history even though I was the victim of their laughing stock.


What picture I got from Caleb is that he cares too much about what will other people will think. I don’t think my flaws bugs him enough not to love me. He does love me but he doesn’t get that he is choosing society over us and this relationship.He is scared of changes and taking risk. He is afraid to take risk with me bcuz he is worried about the society. He is choosing society over love. At the end of the day, I really wondered am I worth the risk ?

career nation

I am about to bash my country now. Even though I wasn’t born in the state. I consider this is my country and I belong here. However, I still have trouble living in career driven society where jobs comes first before family/ relationship. In the states, we see kids placing their pIacing their parents in retirement and nursing home. Couples choosing career before relationship and family. Why?

Because we are scared to take more risky business that our loved ones with fail us while our career has more chance of succeeding. That the fact only person is to relay on yourself only but no one else because we just don’t have enough faith on the people we love. There isn’t anything wrong being independent but is something lacking when it comes to excluding yourself from having compassion for the people you love.

I came from very cultural background where family relationships were placed in important before career. Why? Because you can’t replace relationship or human. Once they are gone. They are gone for good. Career comes and go. If one fails you can start or replace with something else because it all commodity except human and the nature that we are part of it and it can’t be replaced once it is gone.

Whenever I am in love, I adore the feeling of loving someone and getting that loved back because it is just irreplaceable. I do love working, it helps me build personal confidence and feel good hormones after I accomplished something at work. But by the end of day, if I have no one to share that then what’s the point. To me the difference between being in love and the good feeling hormones is that work do not give me butterflies in my stomach. It do not make my heart beat faster when I see the person I am in love with.

I have gotten hurt so many times by so many different types of guys over there years that I lost track of it over times. Like right now, Caleb and I are on a break. That’s something he wanted and honestly, in a way I am relieved because from beginning of this relationship. He was never sure about us. He tells me that he loves me. I do believe him. However, he doesn’t know what he wants. And I feel like being around him will cloud his judgment because I am a chick with tits.

I am glad we have some space to breathe because I concentrated so much of my time in this relationship that at the end I didn’t left any space for myself. But I wouldn’t exchange anything for the feeling I had when I loved him because I can’t get anywhere else beside from a living creature. So to me, work is a commodity that I can destroy and rebuilt because they are perishable items but love is one of a kind whether is with your partner or spending quality times with your family.

At the end, I would fall in love over and over again and keep choosing love over career because love because give me the butterflies even though it may not last long. Nothing last long then why waste my time on commodity when I can fall in love again.