I woke up in the morning having the one of the weirdest dream. I walked in a huge classroom, packed with students seated and lined up on the bench. TA was handing out the syllabus, and I took a seat near back row towards the end. One of the student nudge me and told me that i need to pick up a syllabus from the front since TA already passed out it for this row and when I went to get it, the TA warned me for the future reference that they will only allow enrolled students to walked within 2 minutes after the class starts. I looked at the clocked, wondering why he is telling me this since I am arrived like 3 minutes early. Once i took a seat, the professor walked in and start speaking in weird terms that I had trouble understanding it. I began to wondering where exactly am I and at which university. When I looked at the syllabus and saw that the professor’s email address, it stated .SMU at the end. I began to feel panic a bit and wondering how in the world i landed over this class. As the class discussion took place, I realized that I am in philosophy class, and one of the girl start talking about fascism. I woke up with my alarm clocking ringing near my ear.
The sleepless night started all over again. Last night, I had trouble shutting my mind down. I just couldn’t, too many random thoughts were running in my mind. Through out this past weekend, I was gone. I was there physically but mentally, i was somewhere else, lost in my own world, in some deep thoughts that I can’t even recall properly.
2 reason and 2 types of movies that I am willingly to watch.
A) The movie has to be sci-fi or superheros movies like Marvel production. Reason because it is the adrenaline rush I get during and right after finishing the move. Deep down, heck I want to be super hero with extra-ordinary power. Mostly, because I just want to be unique.
B) A movie that leaves me into thinking for awhile after watching it. Something depth, and makes you want to rethinking about life or people in general.
What’s your reason?
The difference between big and small dogs. Night and Day.
I adore big dogs especially the fuzzy ones like bear. They keep you warm at night, one feel protected, best to hug around and play fetch. Once they are gone, you cannot notice their pretense are missing.
Small ones like a moving toy, cute, and adorable like a toddlers but trouble makers, and even though they are small but their attitudes are not. My small one is way protective of me than my big dog.
Dealing with too many craps on my plate right now. Let me correct that, dealing with other people’s crap on my plate right now.
Totally Annoyed* and venting……
At work, we are shorthanded. My supervisor wants us to attend this and that and yet at the same time expected us to find someone else cover our duties. When we can’t, and we asked if she can, she declines. The front desk has been buzzing with calls and students. I know it is not up to her whether we can hire someone to help us out at the front. However, she really needs to talk to the upper hands about our situation since apparently, she received complained from the “upper hand” that students are complaining that they calls and no one picks up the calls or they are being reschedule too many times. The main is issue that we don’t have enough people to cover the front desk to pick up every damn calls that comes in between 8 and 5.
My job hunt is not great either. I did applied several places after doing much research I found out that I really need to tailor my resume to match the job I am applying for. Not just here and there few words. Top of that, I took half day off to attend this so called ”job interview” which wasn’t worth of my time nor my gas.
and Caleb….jeez, where to began with. He is available to make time for his friends and family but not for me. Mostly, because he is avoiding me which is obvious. Not my issue anymore, it is his. All, I can do back off and give him his space.
I really need to find my own place. Last night, when I walked in the backyard, I could not locate one my dogs, Lady was missing. It was the worst 15 seconds of my life, then suddenly i can hear her barking somewhere nearby. I was able to located her in my next door neighbor’ backyard. There has been cracked between our fence and the neighbor’s fence. I couldn’t able to fix that since I need to go in their side of the yards to fix it. I bugged dad for months to help me fix this or at least go talk to the neighbor to see if we can have the access to their backyard to fix this issue. But as usual dad kept procrastinating, and I didn’t know the neighbors that well.
Our backyard is not in good condition or at least the fences. They are so old, and it seems like they are about to fall any moments. I can’t afford to replace the backyard because i barely able to manage my own personal expenses. I have been actively looking for a better paid job so I can move out because the environment my dogs lives in are not save, and not to mention being 27 living with parents doesn’t help one to mature as person either.
Last couple of weeks, I have been watching this show called ”Awkward.” it is hilarious and not necessarily like sloppy comedy more like the “little embarrassment” a high school girl goes through especially when it comes to dating. At first, I really thought the main character is really immature or maybe I am too old for this shit. But, as I progress through the episodes, i began to find the script and the characters that a girl can relate to. I am way pass high school and graduated college couple of years ago. Yet, I can relate to the main character’s situation or more like the state of her mind. We are girl at heart whether we are in high school or at workforce. The situation maybe different but when it comes to guys we get really conflicted because guys are confusing.
Last couple of days, I have been questioning about my status in society. I am seeing two things either people are progressing towards personal relationships with others and/or moving forward with their careers. Honestly, it is nothing to do with competition or what people will think of you. it is the progression one must go through in their life time. I feel like past two years, my clock’s hands has been stuck at the same position where it is struggling to move forward but due to low battery power, it just can’t go any further more than few inches back and forth. I really held back in my career.
First it was due to master program but when that didn’t work out due to financial issue. Then, I tried to place that effort building a relationship with someone which really doesn’t seems to be going anywhere much. Don’t get me wrong, i am not saying my relationship with Caleb didn’t improved. it did tremendously within last three years. We both change to some extend, and discovering each others in small ways. But what get me the most is the big changes I am missing in my life right now. At least these are big to me. Honestly, when I first got involved with Caleb, I thought it was just a physical thing, as time progress. I began to fell in love with him. He is not really all that. But I created this bond with him over the years that is just hard to break, and even I want to I don’t think I ever can. I wanted a home from him and family. But now days, I completely feel indifference towards that. First of all, raising kids are so expensive that now I end up having 2 dogs because I found them a lot cheaper and they are easier to be nurture or at least based on my current situation. I really wanted a home from him but he is nowhere ready to give that to me. He has been stuck in same plot last 5 years of his life due to conflict feelings he has been having from his career to his relationships.
Honestly, I don’t even know where to began with. All, I know that last 2 years I have been seating next to him and waiting for him to do something about it. Last week, it hit me. When I tried to get hold of him, and I just couldn’t because he just decided to lock himself out of society and work. I felt like I was seating outside of his door, and waiting for him to open it and let me in. It felt alone and cold. I have my limits, and I am just a human being. I began to give up on my long-term desires because it doesn’t feel like it will ever happen. I have been looking for a decent paid job that will support my own cost of living. I began to get tired of living at my parents. How long i will be burden on them. I manage my own personal expenses and etc. But the burden they have now that I am getting old, and I am still unmarried and etc. I really don’t want them to go through worries like this. I just want to find a place where I will able to create my own home with my pets, and honestly, I don’t think I am going to need Caleb for this. Not because I don’t want to but because he is not ready and he is not strong enough emotionally to built that home with me. It is not because he is not capable to do that but because he just decide to seat at the one plots last 5 years of his life because he is not a go-getter and because of that he is depressed about it most of the time.
I feel really sad, today. Honestly, all I want to do now be somewhere, just isolated with my dog. I imagine starting the morning with some massage, and an audio sound over my ears to forget about everything, and later just tag along with ocean (my dog) somewhere by the lake area. I don’t feel like seeing or talking to people. Since morning, I haven’t seen or spoken to any of my colleagues nor my superviser. They usually leave me alone unless they really need me on something. Nowdays, when weekend apporaches, I just get sadder because I know if Caleb wants to he can spend sometime with me. Lately, I just get ignored by him. It’s like he is bored of me or get annoyed by me easily. He tells me that I am too much for him. The only reason he sees me nowdays out of obligation, and he make sure that he express clearly that to me. He says that he loves me but he doesn’t get it that love is not an obligation, its a gift. If you don’t take care of that gift or take it for granted, it will start fading away and at the end all you are left with misery and emptiness. You breathe, eat, sleep, and spend the life, but you forget to live the life. One doesn’t need to find a happiness to be with someone but to be with someone that you love, is one of the greatest joy, and it is really hard. I can fight with everyone to be with him, the society, parents, and religions but I can’t fight with him to be with him. You fight with everyone to be with love but if love doesn’t want to be with you, what can one do. I just don’t want to fight anymore with anyone for love because love decide to choose himself only.
Right now, I am just buying time. I knew the answer I got it from Caleb few weeks back. After we got back together, he was upfront with me that he really doesn’t see any future with me. Right now, i am just buying time as much as I can, to see him, spend time with him as much I can before the timer goes off.
Earlier today, around late evening. Dad gave me an ultimatum that either Caleb have to ask me to tie the knot or if he doesn’t and if I decide to stay with him then Dad will disown me. Frank to be told, I really don’t much care about dad disowning me, my relationship with him hasn’t been stable since I can remember. Don’t get me wrong, my dad has been there for me from time to time. It just that our views are different, and his ill mannered behavior and his volatile temper can be unbearable and hard to live with. Hats off to my mom for putting up with him for last 33 years of their marriage. When my dad was given his ”decision” about Caleb, I saw mom’s face, she felt really bad for me.
What dad is asking from me is not his to ask. I know he is doing this because he cares for me, and he is worried about me. But he doesn’t get his girl, his girl is not that weak that she will be torn because some guy will leave her somewhere down the line in the future. Honestly, I don’t have much expectation from Caleb anymore, I learned not to have expectation from him because when you have expectation and when they are not fulfilled, you get disappointed and hurt but when you don’t have any expectation, you live free, not worrying about future nor past but only live in present.
Currently, I am trying to figure out how to dodge the bullets that are coming in my way. I kinda get it, I am going to get kicked out soon if I don’t break my relationship with Caleb soon. The deal that dad is asking from me is in grey area. His house and his rule, I get that. But yet at the same time, he doesn’t have the right to ask me to do this. I just don’t agree with him. I don’t make enough right now to move out of our parents’ place. I need at least til early spring to get a decent paid job before i can move out. I don’t know how to hold back that bullets til I figure it out.
Honestly, I don’t want to be burden on anyone. if i move out, maybe my parents will be a little bit worried free, and I will not owe them much expectation nor explanation about my future plan.
Sometimes, I just do stuff or post stuff on fb to gets Caleb’s attention. He really doesn’t connect with me unless i poke him around. It gets tiring, I get it he has introvert personality and he needs his space. Giving space to someone shouldn’t distance them for you but keep you more closer because to some extend having one own space is healthier in a relationship. You end up appreciating them and learned not to take them for granted. I continued to feel like I have been forcing this relationship on him. Sometimes, his unintentionally sulking behavior gets me time to time, I end up feeling guilty that it is my fault, and i tried my best to avoid it and let it run it’s phase. He hasn’t invited me to his parents’ place in ages which is a red flag. Lately, whenever i tried to invite him to the family gathering at my place, he just back-offs.
Sometimes, the way he treats me I like I am walking on the cloud, and it is a great feeling, one of the best. But other times, I feel like he can’t wait to get away from me, and somehow it is my fault, and I am getting punished for it. Whenever I hangout with him, he treats me well, and honestly sex between us is really nice. But lately, I notice that he would distance himself after the sex. He would have this odd look on his face like he is feeling guilty or he is afraid because he just slept with me. I don’t know whether he is scared to fall for me again because I hurt him or is it because deep down he doesn’t really want to be in relationship with me anymore. I tried to leave him because i thought that’s what he wanted even though it was unbearable painful. But he couldn’t let me go. Is it because deep down he still loves me or is it because he is afraid to be alone? I just don’t know yet, and I felt like there isn’t much I can’t to about but to wait it out, and maybe someday he will realize what he really needs from me.
Lot of people by now probably rolling there eyes thinking i am sort of desperate pathetic woman who is obsessed about some guy who doesn’t seems to care much about her. I don’t know. Maybe it is true in society eyes. But to me he is not “some” guy and if he were, I wouldn’t had been still with him.
I feel inadequate. Jayme made me feel that way bc of her own work insecurity. Caleb makes me feel that way bc I couldn’t inspire him nor amused. I just don’t want to fight back anymore. I just want to take all the punches I can get till my dying breath. Probably, it is karma about the deed I did last year spring. I forgave myself but I don’t think higher power up there just didn’t.
Lately, whenever I hear someone making a statement like “oh, people are not to blame, it is the devil inside, and hopefully they will see the light from lord.” This is just an example, but statements like this really wants me to place a bullet in my head. In the age of the internet, can people be more ignorant. I am not an atheist, I do believe in some sort of higher power up there, I do believe in angels, souls, and etc. But what pissed me off the most when people try to place the blame on “devil” or see religions as the final ultimate destination, it just end up giving me shivers, and guess what most of the time people are responsible for their own action, not the ”devil” that is making them do stuff. Then again lot of other factors that have effect on people behavior such as genetically, environment and etc. But for right now, I am not get in that topic. I don’t know, but to me religion is a mean of pray to higher authority(s) up there. I can’t deny the fact that some of the stuff that was written in holy books did came true in our present situation or maybe it was coincidence. But I chose not to follow the rules that has been set up thousand of years back, and it was only documented through people’s point of view back then. I know the topic I am getting into is pretty sensitive, and some people probably by now praying for me that I will see the light from the lord.
Recently, on the news, the topic of creationism has been popping out because apparently some educators are pushing this to be published in school textbook. Are you sh*tting me? Educators are pushing for this. What is wrong with people!!